


Those Nights

by immafluxing (the_crit_witch)



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 08:53:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3563636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_crit_witch/pseuds/immafluxing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki can't let himself get wrapped up in what was. He has a mission now: to protect his loved ones and to tear Aogiri to bloody pieces. He's already left Kamii and Anteiku behind, so why can't he shake off the one piece of his past that threatens to hurt him the most? When he finds himself outside of Hide's apartment late one night, Kaneki is forced to face the past he's left behind, and finds himself tempted by a future that he knows he cannot have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sometimes he would walk around the city at night. The hood of his jacket covered his shock of white hair, the eye patch, the wearied face of a once naïve college kid. He wondered if the hood was even necessary, if anyone could recognize the person he used to be anymore. Sometimes when he looked in the mirror even he couldn’t recall the quiet, dark-haired bookworm he had used to be. Maybe it was better that way. It wasn’t like he could go back.

The night was quiet, or as quiet as it could be to a ghoul. He could hear a cat rustling in a nearby dumpster. Low voices spoke a couple alleys away. Kaneki had no real goal in coming out tonight other than to get out of the house he was staying in with the others. They would be fine without him for a couple hours. Right now he needed to move, and his restless feet began to take him on a familiar path.   
There was the corner shop he had been to a thousand times with Hide. He passed restaurants with signs that were familiar even in the dark of late night. One street, two, and the university loomed up to his right. Some might think that Kamii University looked empty at night, but Kaneki knew better. Just because droves of students weren’t walking along the sidewalks, weren’t grabbing coffee at the corner shop, didn’t mean that the campus wasn’t alive. 

Kaneki ‘s eyes roved over the buildings, settling on the one he had always frequented most. The library was still lit and Kaneki could hear the hum of collegiate life there. He could see shapes moving in the windows. He could almost hear the flip of pages, the murmured conversation of studying students. If he caught the breeze just the right way he could almost smell the books and late-night coffee. Kaneki looked away from the warmly lit windows. That world wasn’t his anymore. Did he still wish it was? His hand absent-mindedly touched the patch over his left eye. He thought back to Anteiku. His hand dropped back down to his side and he willed his feet to move. No. It was all just a very strange and far away day dream now. 

Kaneki shut his eyes and let his feet guide him down the sidewalk. He didn’t have to worry about running into anyone. He’d hear the second someone was even close to the street, let alone on it. A lone car passed. He heard the grind of its tires on the asphalt. He could just barely see the play of the light across the eyelids. He turned into shadows of an alleyway.   
He was keeping them safe. He knew that. He, and Banjou, and even Tsukiyama; they were keeping the rest safe. Anteiku, Touka, Hinami –

Hide.

Kaneki sighed and opened his eyes; he looked around the street he’d wandered to. Not that he needed to see it, he already knew where he was. His attention turned hesitantly over to the building where Hide lived. Several of the tenants had their lights on still, including Hide. Kaneki pinpointed the window of the familiar apartment and stared up at him. He was probably studying. Maybe he was working on more posters for that club of his. A smile pulled at the corners of Kaneki’s lips but his eyes couldn’t quite catch on. Always the social butterfly, Hide. He was still happy, that was good. He would forget. Maybe, hopefully, someday. He’d forget that dark-haired boy who didn’t exist anymore. Kaneki had, Hide would have to too. Still the thought made Kaneki’s throat constrict uncomfortably. He shouldn’t have come here. His hand was far too tempted to knock on that door. He had just turned to leave when he heard a door open. 

There stood Hide in his yellow jacket, framed in the golden light of his apartment with a trash bag in his hand. Kaneki held his breath. His feet had turned to stone just outside of the alley, just within the soft yellow light of a street lamp. He was staring. He needed to go. The old Kaneki was dead and Hide wouldn’t recognize this new version. He wouldn’t want to know this version. He shouldn’t know him, couldn’t. It would go against everything he was trying to achieve if Hide knew about him; there was no way he could hide what he was the way he had before. All it would take was one nosy neighbor, one overheard conversation and the CCG would be involved. They’d start asking questions, interview Hide: and then he would know. Even if he didn’t tell them anything Hide would find out what Kaneki was. Hide had always been bright, he would put two and two together. And what then? He would be disgusted, terrified. How could he accept someone who was messed up even by ghouls’ standards?  
No, Hide couldn’t know. It was a rare gift to be blissfully unaware anymore. Kaneki smiled despite the sharp pinch he felt in his chest. This was for the best. The one-eyed ghoul had already turned to go when he heard footsteps coming down the short set of front stairs. The trash bag made a rustling thunk as it hit the ground.

“Kaneki?”

The sound of his name shot ice through Kaneki’s spine. Hide was just across the street. He was calling his name. He heard more hesitant footsteps, shoes crossing from concrete onto asphalt. He couldn’t do this. He needed to go. Now. Now. He needed to be gone. He needed to be miles and miles from here. Hide couldn’t see him the way he’d become. Hide could never meet the eye patch ghoul.

“Hey, man. Kaneki, is that you? Hey, Kaneki!”

It felt like he was tearing off a limb when he tore away back down the alley. He could hear Hide calling after him. He sounded so hopeful and confused. His breaths were burning a hole in his chest as he ran. Hide had known it was him even in the dark, even with his hood up. How could he know him so well? Kaneki didn’t even look like himself anymore but Hide had recognized him.   
How!? The thought knocked back and forth in his head. He should have never come here.

~  
Hide stood in the street with his hand outstretched. The sack of trash lay forgotten on the curb. Slowly he curled his fingers into a frustrated fist and dropped his hand back down to his side. He hadn’t been wrong. He’d recognize that kid anywhere. Kaneki. The name settled heavily in his mind. He grabbed the trash bag and tossed it into the bin around the side of the building. He looked over his shoulder toward the alley his best friend had just darted down and sighed.

“Please come back, Kaneki.” Hide walked back up the stairs and shut the door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Against his better judgement Kaneki makes contact with Hide. Hide is thrilled to have his best friend back in his life, but Kaneki can't stop thinking about what could have been, what can't be.

Hide pulled the curtain back and peered out toward the alleyway. He watched as a figure moved just outside of the street lamp’s glow. There was Kaneki again; he had come back every several days since that first night, standing in the shadow of the alley. He would never come any closer than this, hovering at the edge of the lamplight like a wild fox at the edge of a campfire.

Hide let the curtain fall back into place and sat heavily on his bed. When did you stop coming to me for help, Kaneki? He raked a hand through his hair in exasperation; he was suddenly aware of how scruffy it was starting to get. He wondered what Kaneki would say if he saw it. Hide huffed out a quiet laugh and smiled. Kaneki probably wouldn’t say anything, he was too polite. He was different now, Hide knew, but he couldn’t have changed so much that that would be so different. The college student looked back toward the window for a long moment before heading to the entryway and slipping on his sneakers. The hinge of the door squeaked as he pulled it open and stepped out into cool night air. 

Hide stood for a moment in front of the building, looking toward where he’d last seen movement before sitting down on the curb.

“You know you can come inside instead of standing out here all weird, Kaneki. It’s not exactly warm out.” Hide stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets for emphasis. There was no answer. Hide puffed out a large breath that turned to a thin white fog in the air. It really was getting cold out, and the minutes were creeping very close to midnight. In a lower voice he murmured, more to himself than for any other reason,

“When did you stop being able to talk to me?” He expected more silence but was surprised to hear the sound of a shoe on the grit of the asphalt.

“Everything’s gotten too hard to talk about,” the other boy answered. He had come just barely into the ring of yellow light. His hood was up like last time but now Hide could see his eyes, and what he saw made his mouth set into a concerned line. Kaneki looked older, somehow. His expression was pensive, like he was trying very hard to sort something out. His body was tense and Hide could tell that he was deciding whether or not to bolt. Keep him talking, he thought. He forced his mouth to widen into his typical ridiculous grin.

“What’s with the outfit? Trying to look tough in all that black?” Hide saw the other boy’s mouth twitch into what he knew was the start of a smile.

“Yeah, something like that,” Kaneki said as he looked down at his dark outfit. He still hung uneasily around the curb across the street. His voice was different now too, Hide noticed. It was more even and less animated than it had been. It wasn’t that he sounded sullen or bored, it was just that now it sounded like he measured each word before it came out of his mouth. Each syllable rolled confidently off of his tongue now without so much as a stutter or an “um.” Hide realized he had begun to stare at this new Kaneki and quickly covered his surprise with another wide grin.

“Well, tough guy, are you coming in or are you too cool to have a cup of coffee with me now?” He continued to smile but Hide’s heart thudded in his chest. He didn’t know what to do if Kaneki said no. He’d never had to be afraid of something like this before; Kaneki had always been a constant in his life, ever since they were children. They hadn’t grown that far apart in the last few months, had they? Hide tried not to let his anxiety show as a loaded silence stretched out between them.

“I shouldn’t,” Kaneki replied. It seemed almost as if he were saying it to himself, but he had responded, it was something, and Hide held onto that string for dear life.

“Come on, man! It might not be the fancy stuff you’re used to but there’s just something familiar about a cup of the instant stuff, right?” This was it. Either he’d come closer or he’d turn tail, and in the back of his mind Hide knew that if Kaneki ran off now he wouldn’t be coming back. He stood up from the curb and dusted some dirt off of his pants. Kaneki wasn’t agreeing. He wasn’t saying anything at all.

“Corner store instant coffee it is, then!” Hide said as turned toward the apartment building, waving a welcoming hand toward its cheerily lit windows. This was it. What was he going to do? Would Kaneki be gone when he turned around? What would he do if he was? Hide’s gut clenched as he waited. He forced his feet forward a few steps and was rewarded with the sound of footsteps behind him. That fact alone almost made Hide halt in shock. He had hoped for this but honestly hadn’t expected it. Hide smoothed over the pause in his steps by flashing another wide grin over his shoulder.

“I knew you couldn’t resist a cup of coffee fixed by yours truly,” Hide gloated. 

“I guess so,” Kaneki said softly behind him. A subtle smile returned to his expression as he said it. Hide felt some of the weight slip away from his heart; this look suited Kaneki much better than the stoic silence he’d adopted. Hide thought he could hear relief in the other boy’s voice now. Or was it resignation? Either way Kaneki seemed to have finally come to a decision about whatever was going on in his head. It was a step forward.

Who was he kidding? This was a huge leap. He’d thought, he’d hoped—Hide’s stomach twisted giddily. It was something, even though things were different now, even though Kaneki was so changed, distant, and wary that it felt like walking next to a wild fox. He couldn’t quite shake the feeling that Kaneki would dart away if he moved too quickly. It was finally starting to hit him just how much things had changed between the two of them. This wasn’t how it used it be, but it was something. He and Kaneki could work through this.

~

He was going into Hide’s apartment. Kaneki held back a shiver as his brain berated him for such a stupid decision. This was far too risky. How could he keep Hide safe having coffee with him in his kitchen? That was the opposite of safe. He couldn’t go backwards. Couldn’t , shouldn’t , couldn’t shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, wanted to, needed to…

“Your hair got wild, man!” Kaneki felt the fabric of his hood pulled back from his head. They had crossed the threshold and were now standing in Hide’s tiny apartment. Hide was smiling, waiting for a response. All that Kaneki could manage was an absent-minded hm of assent. Had he forgotten how to talk to the boy he’d known since grade school? But Hide didn’t seem bothered; he just laughed and walked into the kitchen. Kaneki paused in the entryway and listened to Hide clinking mugs together. He heard cabinets open and shut. A kettle was put on to boil. The normalcy of it all had him feeling terribly out of place. He suddenly wasn’t sure where to put his hands. Pockets? Sides? He’d gotten out of the practice of small talk. He knew that Hide deserved more than that but what else could he possibly say? I’m a ghoul now. I’ve been tortured, broken, and remade into something I can barely even recognize anymore. I don’t have a place at your side like I used to and you just haven’t realized it yet. If I could go back I would say, I would tell you…

Kaneki cut that thread of thought before it could continue. If he let it take hold in his mind it would attach irrevocably attach him here, next to Hide, and that was something he absolutely could not do. It could easily make Hide a target, and Kaneki had to focus on Aogiri.

“Oi, Kaneki. You can actually come in you know.” Kaneki hm’d again as his thoughts rearranged themselves to deal with his present situation. Again he was struck by the strangeness of it. He couldn’t believe what was happening. He was in Hide’s apartment. He was having coffee with Hide in Hide’s apartment. Half of him wanted to sigh in relief because no matter how horribly things had gone, no matter what he’d done, what he hadn’t done, this could still be the same. He could still have this. The other side of him quickly intervened. Where did he get off coming into back into Hide’s life? Into his home? He wasn’t allowed to have that anymore, not any of this. It wasn’t his to enjoy. He and Hide would never, could never…

No. Kaneki rearranged his thoughts again, filed that idea deep in the back of his mind. That never had been even before, it certainly wasn’t even something to think about now. Besides, he wanted Hide to remember him fondly, as his best friend, not as an uncomfortable silence and an awkward parting of ways. 

Kaneki was done thinking about this. He slid off his shoes and walked into the kitchen where Hide stood stirring instant coffee into two steaming mugs of water. He would make this one exception, for Hide to remember him fondly instead of as the friend that disappeared. Just this once. 

Kaneki accepted the cup of coffee that Hide offered to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Sorry it took me a bit longer to post this than I thought, but voila! Thank you everyone for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

Hide sipped his coffee and searched for something to say. It was like there was a pane of glass between them despite sitting only feet from one another. He didn’t want to admit it but Kaneki had changed. Each of his movements were calculated; he moved so smoothly it was as if he didn’t—as if he weren’t – 

Human.

Hide raised his mug to his lips. He needed something to talk about. He scratched his head, his movements exaggerated, trying to coax Kaneki into a conversation.  
“Sorry the place is a mess. Exam time, you know?” Kaneki smiled at him, that same subtle, polite grin from before. The familiarity of the expression made Hide’s face brighten in response.  
“I bet you’re busy. You’re still wrapped up in club activities too?” he asked. Hide nodded. This was good. Hide could feel himself settling into a sense of normalcy. Kaneki was here, sitting in his kitchen, drinking coffee with him. The feeling sent excited butterflies fluttering about in his stomach.

“Of course! I can’t let myself get bored, you know? I’m a nuisance when I’ve got nothing to keep me busy.” Kaneki made a sound that could pass for a laugh and Hide responded with his own boisterous laughter.  
“So what’s with you then? You can drop by for coffee any time you know, you don’t have to go creeping around the trash bins,” Hide blurted as he laughed, trying to keep the conversation going, trying to get Kaneki to look more like he belonged here and less like an animal contemplating his escape route. His smile fell as he watched Kaneki’s gaze become suddenly absorbed in his cup of coffee.

“I don’t think this can happen again, Hide,” Kaneki answered after a long moment. The words hardened Hide’s gut into concrete. He’d gotten his foot in the door. He’d gotten Kaneki into his kitchen. He was sitting with him, talking, like the old days. But now that door was about to slam in his face. His grip tightened on his coffee mug. 

“Please don’t say that.” Hide blinked as an uncomfortable prickling sensation made its way into the corners of his eyes. “When did things get so bad that you couldn’t talk to me about it?” He sucked in a deep breath and let the air shake its way back out of his lungs. “When did that change, Kaneki?” He stared straight into Kaneki’s ash-grey eyes.  
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here. I shouldn’t have made things more complicated.” 

Kaneki’s voice had dropped back into that even monotone that Hide was learning to hate. He moved to get up. He was crossing the kitchen. He would open that door and go out into the night and be gone, just gone. Hide shot up from his seat. He had to do something, had to… Hide grabbed the white-haired boy’s wrist. His voice was firm. He had to hear him say it, say anything other than 'it’s complicated'.

“Why did that change, Kaneki?"

“Hide, please.”

“When you became a ghoul?”

It was as if he’d sent a bolt of electricity through him; Hide could feel the other boy stop in an instant. The muscles in the white-haired boy’s arm tensed perceptibly in his grip.

“A ghoul? Hide, you don’t know what you’re…”

“Kaneki, please,” Hide’s voice had gone quiet. It had lost its hard edge. “Didn’t you think I’d figure it out? The way you got all finicky about your food, and the eye patch, when I got ‘hit by a truck’ that day in that alley? I knew the whole time. I knew and I stuck around because it didn’t change who you were. It still hasn’t changed who you are.”

It felt good to finally say it. He’d waited for Kaneki to come to him, to say something all this time, and all this time he had kept it to himself. It had stung, to think that Kaneki couldn’t trust him, but the more Hide had thought about it the more he realized that it was just like any other trouble Kaneki ran into. Kaneki would keep things to himself so as not to burden others, even if meant keeping something so big from his best friend. 

“It’s not just that, Hide. I had to leave the old me behind, the one that you were friends with. I’m not him anymore. He didn’t survive.” Kaneki’s shoulders slumped, his face hidden behind his white hair. “I shouldn’t have come here in the first place, I’m sorry Hide. I just wanted to see you. I wanted to remember the way things were for a little while, to say a proper goodbye. It wasn’t fair to you, I’m sorry.”  
And just like that he was going to disappear again. He was pulling away. He was headed toward the door. Hide’s grip tightened on Kaneki’s wrist. He yanked back, pulled the other boy toward him. Hide was painfully aware that if he wanted to Kaneki could shake him off like an ant, but he couldn’t let him just walk out that door. He yanked the other boy’s wrist; Kaneki spun around to face him. Their eyes met, Hide’s determined, Kaneki’s quickly becoming empty. Hide’s heart was pounding a hole in his chest. It felt like he was moving in slow motion even as adrenaline was pumping through his veins and his tear ducts prickled uncomfortably. Something in his body snapped and he leaned forward, crashed his lips into Kaneki’s.

What am I doing? I can’t just…I can’t just expect that this will make him stay. It was a painful thought. His brain was firing in overdrive. He was beating himself up for kissing him even as his lips were still pressed to Kaneki’s, but then something shocked his mind blank. Kaneki’s hand shot up into Hide’s hair. His lips moved against Hide’s as his fingers tangled carefully into the other boy’s mop of unruly hair.  
As soon as it happened it was over. Hide was standing in the hallway, his lungs trying to remember how to function. Kaneki’s eyes had gone wide. He looked just as surprised at what Hide had done as Hide himself. He let his black fingernailed hand trace a gentle track down Hide’s cheek and then drop limply to his side.

“Even though I’m…” Kaneki trailed off. His voice was barely a whisper.

“You’re still you, Kaneki. I felt this way then. I feel the same way now.” Hide looked away and had to take in a deep breath before he started again. “I should have told you then. If I’d known that you…If I’d said something before…”

Then you wouldn’t have gone out that night with Rize.

Hide couldn’t say the rest out loud. It was the thought that had nagged at him ever since he had put all the pieces together. He looked back up at his friend. Had he finished the sentence in his own head? Again Kaneki looked like two sides of himself were warring over what to do, how to react. Finally he spoke,

“I need to go.”

“Will you come back?” Hide blurted then held his breath for an answer. The seconds ticked by excruciatingly slow, and then Kaneki nodded his head once.

“Soon,” he replied, and he was out the door and off into the early morning darkness. Hide looked after him for a moment before shutting the door. He leaned back against the wall, his back smacking against the plaster.

“I hope you really mean that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins! Thanks again for reading, I'll have another chapter up next week.


	4. Chapter 4

Kaneki had walked back from Hide’s apartment in a haze. What had he just done? The gravity of it was starting to settle over his mind. He had torn wide open that part of his brain that he had worked so hard to keep locked tight. He hadn’t just reopened a door to his past, he’d gone so, so much further than that. Hide had opened up an entirely different door for him, one that Kaneki had never had the courage to open even before his life had changed so drastically. Kaneki stood for a moment in the entryway of the home he shared with the others. He brushed his lips with his fingers and remembered the feel of Hide’s kiss. He could feel a warm blush creeping up into his cheeks.

“Ah! Kaneki, did you enjoy your evening stroll?” 

Kaneki’s gaze snapped up and his eyes narrowed at the figure sitting on the couch. Tsukiyama sat gracefully, cat-like on the piece of furniture. The tall ghoul always looked amused, and appeared especially so now. He now threw his forearm dramatically over his eyes.

“You came back so late this time that I began to worry!” Tsukiyama held the pose for a moment before shifting to rest his chin on his hand. He had a way of sliding seamlessly from intense drama to quiet observation. His actions were disarming to many, but then that was one of his strengths and one of the reasons he made such a devastating ally. Tsukiyama spoke again, more muted this time.

“But you seem no worse for the wear, hm? C’est bien.”

Kaneki nodded and removed his shoes and jacket.

“It helps me think, being out when there aren’t so many people. I’m sorry to have worried you.” Kaneki’s voice was all control and fluidity. Tsukiyama was smart; he already smelled blood in the water and Kaneki had no intention of giving anything away. This was his business and he wanted it to stay that way. Kaneki thought back to having coffee with Hide, remembered the kiss they had shared. 

“It’s late, you should get some sleep, Tsukiyama. I’m going to go check on the others before I head to bed.”

“Always so thoughtful,” the other ghoul sighed, smiling serenely. “À plus, then, Kaneki. Sleep well."

Kaneki was already walking toward the bedrooms. Silently he slipped open Hinami’s door and peered inside. She was curled up in her bed, safe, sound, asleep. Kaneki shut the door just as quietly and moved on to Banjou’s room. He was sprawled out over his bed with his sheets in tangles around him. Safe, sound, asleep. It had become a ritual of his, checking on them every night. Normally it helped him rest more easily, but now there was one more thing than usual knocking around in his head. He wished he could check in on Hide as he just had with the others. It bothered him that he wasn’t closer, that he couldn’t be there in an instant if ever he needed to be. Kaneki shut his eyes and touched his lips again. The soonest he got the opportunity, he was going back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quickie chapter this time! I should have my next, longer one up in a couple more days. Sorry for the slow build up but this was a fun little bit for me to write and damn, Tsukiyama's personality has so much potential to work with, I had to toss him in somewhere. Maybe I'll have to write something for him to star in one of these days:D


	5. Chapter 5

Hide had lost count of how many times he’d looked out the window. It had been two days since that night and he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. Kaneki had said he would come back, he hoped he would keep his word. As soon as the sun set he would pull back the curtain. He would pace through the small apartment. He would stop, study for as long as he could sit still, then check the window again. There was no sign of him for two days, but Hide couldn’t give up just yet. He checked his watch; it was close to eleven.

“Come on, Kaneki. Don’t leave me hanging like this,” he murmured into the silent kitchen. When Kaneki finally knocked on his door, Hide almost thought he had imagined it. It was a tentative knock, questioning. Am I still welcome here? it asked. Hide’s anxious muscles jolted him up to the front door and when he opened it the surprise on his face shifted to a warm smile.

“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” Kaneki ‘s words were smoothly spoken and polite but Hide knew what he was really asking. Do you still want me here? Did I dream the other night?

“Nah, I finished my homework in the library today.” He opened the door to let Kaneki pass. “Oh hey, I got some better coffee. Come look!” Kaneki followed him toward the kitchen. Hide noticed that the other boy seemed calmer now than he had been last time. He wasn’t fighting himself tonight. Good, he thought. He’d hated seeing that torn look in his eyes. Excited now, Hide grabbed a bag of ground coffee from the cabinet and set it in front of his tiny new coffee maker.

“Check that out, it’s not even instant this time! Here, grab me those filters.” 

Kaneki retrieved the brown paper filters out of another cabinet and the smile on his face set Hide’s stomach fluttering. Kaneki set one of the filters in and Hide nervously fumbled with the lid of the coffee maker. He tried to keep his hands from shaking as he began digging a spoon into the bag of ground coffee. He’d managed to get one teetering, over-full scoop of ground coffee into the filter before Kaneki spoke up.  


“Did you mean what you said the other night?” Hide nearly dropped the bag of coffee at the suddenness of the question. He was now very aware of how close Kaneki was in the small kitchen. The two of them were huddled together around the tiny coffee maker. He looked up from the bag and met Kaneki’s gaze. How could he ask something like that? When he answered he couldn’t quite keep the irritation out of his voice.

“Of course I did. That’s not something I’d lie about.” Hide could feel heat rising to his cheeks, and the realization just made him blush harder. He was so focused on trying not to look ridiculous that he didn’t realize just how close Kaneki had gotten until the other boy’s lips brushed his cheekbone. The white haired boy pulled back just far enough that their noses were barely touching. He was checking with him again. Making sure this was ok, that this was what Hide wanted. Hide closed the gap in one swift motion.  
  
~  
  
Kaneki almost felt guilty about leaving the coffee half-made on the counter. Hide had gone out and set this up just for him, but he’d had to make sure that that last time hadn’t been a mistake, or some too-realistic dream. He twined his fingers into Hide’s hair – it had gotten longer, it would hit his shoulders if he kept letting it grow. He was glad Hide hadn’t cut it, the feel of his hair in between Kaneki’s long fingers made the moment feel even more intimate. He felt one of Hide’s hands reach up against his chest.

Oh, he was pushing him away, he wanted him to stop. He had been prepared for that, it hurt but he understood. He was about to pull back until he felt Hide’s fingers curl into the cloth of his hoodie and grip him closer. One of Hide’s fingers grazed his collarbone and sent a shiver down Kaneki’s spine. Oh god, this was everything he had convinced himself he couldn’t have. He couldn’t cut Hide out of his life. He’d cut out nearly everything and everyone else, but Hide– 

Just as he threatened to be lost in his thoughts Hide’s hand slid up from its place on Kaneki’s hoodie up to cup his jaw. Their kisses deepened and the two explored each other’s mouths, carefully and a little clumsily. Was this Hide’s first too? Kaneki wondered as he carefully kissed the other boy’s bottom lip. Hide clung more fiercely to Kaneki’s chest and Kaneki absent-mindedly advanced forward. The two gradually shuffled back until Hide’s back leaned up against the kitchen wall. 

Kaneki’s heart was pounding out of his chest. His hands were on Hide’s face, tangled in his scruffy hair. He breathed in the smell of him and thought about all of the years he’d known him, how it had all come to this. He was home. Kaneki belonged here. After all this time he had finally found a place that felt like home and it was here, tangled up in Hide’s arms. Kaneki could feel Hide tremble with a nervous excitement that mirrored his own, and he suddenly felt the other boy sharply nip at his lower lip. Kaneki gasped. 

Too far.

The sound of cracking plaster jolted the white-haired boy.

Too far.

He’d ruined everything in a shockingly short amount of time. Kaneki’s breath caught. Eyes still shut, he waited for a scream. He waited to feel Hide’s hands push him away. Hide would be afraid, he’d never want Kaneki to touch him again, he was sure of it. Kaneki slowly opened his eyes and shifted his gaze up to Hide, afraid of what he’d see there, but the look on Hide’s face entirely disarmed him. His kagune had exploded from his back and thrust out at the wall behind Hide. Two of the large, scaled appendages loomed possessively over Hide’s shoulders, the others had struck the wall on either side of his waist, but instead of horror on Hide’s face what he saw was wonder. Kaneki’s eyes widened in confusion as the other boy reached out a hesitant hand and touched one of the vermilion appendages. 

“I didn’t realize kagune could be so beautiful,” he breathed, “I mean you see this kind of thing on the news but,” he trailed off and turned his attention back to Kaneki’s face. “And your eye…” Kaneki held his breath as Hide’s fingers brushed the soft skin next to his eye. He traced the red lines with the pad of his finger, admiring his kakugan.

“I didn’t mean…” Kaneki stuttered, blushed. Hide laughed, dissipating the tension in the air with the sound.

“I surprised you, I know. Sorry, I got a little too excited,” Hide admitted, blushing, “I guess I got you a little riled up too, huh?” The way Hide said excited as he turned a bright shade of red sent warmth flooding through Kaneki’s chest. Hide leaned forward and kissed Kaneki once more, just a gentle peck on his left cheek.

“Should we get that coffee started and calm down for a bit?” the blond boy asked. Kaneki nodded in agreement. He was still just too shocked to make a sound. He had just unceremoniously dumped any semblance to humanity that remained to him out the window and how did Hide respond? He was fascinated, curious, understanding. He hadn’t been worried for a second that Kaneki would hurt him. He’d seen the action for exactly what it was: a feral sort of possessiveness. And now he’d just calmly suggested that they finish making their coffee.

Kaneki felt guilty that he had underestimated Hide again. He tensed the muscles in his back and the plaster of the kitchen wall crackled as Kaneki withdrew his kagune. He shut his eyes, sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. When he opened his eyes again both were their usual slate grey.

They talked as the coffee maker made its steady burbling noise. It was easier now than it had been that first night. Hide asked so many questions: what was it like using his kagune? Did it hurt? They were questions that Kaneki thought would be awkward to talk about but Hide’s openness and boundless exuberance made it all feel so normal. Then Kaneki asked about Kamii and homework and clubs. What were some of the new classes he was taking, was Nishiki still lording it over the underclassmen? They talked until they forgot about the coffee and only noticed it again when the machine made an impatient electronic peep.  


Once each of their mugs were filled with steaming coffee the two boys wandered into Hide’s room. They sat on the bed and Hide nonchalantly leaned into Kaneki’s shoulder. They sipped coffee and used their words sparingly amidst the comfortable silence of familiarity. This was the first time in far too long that Kaneki had been able to let his guard down. Sure, his ears were sharp and his nose kept track of anything coming or going near the small building, but for once he didn’t have to analyze every word that came out of his mouth. He could talk to Hidejust like they had used to and for the first time in what felt like ages Kaneki felt just like anyone else. He had almost forgotten what it felt like for someone to know him so well. He wrapped his arm snuggly around Hide’s shoulder and the two of them talked until long after their mugs were empty, until Kaneki finally looked out at the lightening sky.

“I should go,” he said, disappointment heavy in his voice. Hide nodded. “We do probably need to sleep at some point. Now that you’re a badass and all you probably need it even more.”

Kaneki chuckled and stood up from the bed. He offered his hand to Hide, who accepted the help up without hesitation.

“Hey Kaneki?” Hide’s voice had changed just enough that Kaneki looked up with concern.

“Yeah, Hide?”

“You’ll come back, right?” This time Kaneki didn’t hesitate.

“It may be a couple days before I can, but yes, I’ll come back.” A sincere smile spread across Kaneki’s face and Hide flashed back his own toothy grin. The blond boy stood up, taking Kaneki’s mug and walking him to the front door. Just before Kaneki opened the door Hide leaned in and kissed him softly, then the white-haired boy was gone into dwindling dark of the early morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's another longer chapter for this week^_^


	6. Chapter 6

This time it was several days before Kaneki knocked on Hide’s door. It was a surer knock this time. Kaneki felt less hesitant now, less like he was disrupting Hide’s life. When Hide opened the door the very first thing Kaneki did was lean in and kiss him deeply. The days spent away from him had been far too long. Seeing Hide was like a breath of fresh air after being submerged too long in the convoluted murk that was the ghoul underworld. He felt Hide’s lips smile against his own. The other boy laughed as he pulled away.

“Easy now, don’t you want to come inside first?” Kaneki scratched his head and his cheeks blushed a soft pink.

“Sorry, excited.” Kaneki felt himself laugh. How long had it been since he’d laughed? It made his chest feel lighter as he did it, and the look on Hide’s face was equally as pleased. This time they made their coffee without incident. No more holes were put into Hide’s freshly patched kitchen walls. Again the two boys went to Hide’s room, sipped coffee, and talked. Kaneki laughed, and Hide grinned blissfully at being able to make him laugh. At some point Hide’s hand found its way over to Kaneki’s, and the two sat with entwined fingers for several peaceful moments before Hide leaned in to place his forehead against Kaneki’s. He pecked at Kaneki’s lips carefully, then gradually grew more bold as Kaneki responded. Hide’s teeth grazed Kaneki’s lip and the white-haired boy slid his tongue past Hide’s lips. 

Was he doing this right? Hide responded in kind. That was good; he couldn’t be doing too badly if Hide was going with it. He could feel the pressure of Hide against him and felt the other boy’s hand slide up under his shirt. Hide’s smooth fingertips danced across Kaneki’s stomach and Kaneki gasped as goosebumps formed where their skin touched. Hide pulled back with an apology on his lips, but before he could make a sound Kaneki yanked his black shirt the rest of the way up and over his head, revealing his muscular stomach. Kaneki watched as Hide’s golden eyes went wide.

“What? What’s wrong?” Kaneki looked down at himself. He fumbled to grab his shirt again. “Sorry, too far again, I…” Whatever he was about to say was cut off by the exploring fingers of the boy in front of him.

“When did you get this buff?” Hide’s fingers moved further up, tracing the lines of Kaneki’s muscular chest. Kaneki stuttered for a few awkward seconds until he saw the excited smile spread over Hide’s face.  


“You look good! Holy crap, you must be crazy good at sit ups!”

Kaneki felt his blush deepen and was suddenly self-conscious about how red he must be. He stuttered again but before he could get out anything intelligible Hide’s lips were locked back onto his own. Quickly they sank back into their previous rhythm. Tongues clashed and their breaths came out in gasps. Soon Hide’s shirt joined Kaneki’s in a lump at the edge of the bed. Kaneki reveled in the feel of Hide’s bare skin, the college student was still slim and toned from riding his bicycle. Kaneki’s eyes followed the trail of his hand down Hide’s chest until he forced his hand to a stop. He winced as he looked at his black nails contrasting starkly against Hide’s chest. After a still moment Hide very gently took Kaneki’s hand in his own. What must his face have looked like as he stared? Kaneki wondered. Hide brought his hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on the back of it.

“What’s with that look?” he asked quietly. The words were said in a light tone but Kaneki could hear the concern hiding in the question. He chose his words carefully before he answered.

“You deserve better than this, Hide.” Instinctively he puts one hand up over his left eye. He can’t meet Hide’s eyes.

“Hey, hey, I told you that it didn’t matter that you were a ghoul. The only thing—“

“That’s not what I mean.” How could he tell Hide how messed up he was? There were reminders of it everywhere. His hair was bone-white. His fingernails and toenails had all turned black. He had scars around his ankles that never quite went away even with the way his body healed. And he hadn’t just killed Yamori. No, he’d started to eat him alive. He’d left him a barely conscious mass of flesh, and what was worse was that Kaneki knew that he couldn’t stop what he’d set in motion that night. He had continued to raze and ruin and devour. And yet here he was, acting like he could touch Hide with hands that were regularly soaked in gore like none of it mattered. He clenched his teeth. He shouldn’t be here, he’d starting cutting ties for a reason.

“Hey.” Kaneki felt Hide’s hand carefully pry his own from over his eye. This time Kaneki felt the other boy bring his hand to his cheek and kiss his palm.

“Kaneki, will you look at me please?” Kaneki cringed but slowly raised his eyes. Hide’s gaze was steady.

“I don’t know what happened to you. I don’t think I ever really could know, not really, but you need to know that I’m with you no matter what. Whether you want to talk to me about it or not I’m staying right here by your side, ok?”

Kaneki sat quietly as Hide leaned forward and placed his forehead against his own. They sat like that for a long moment. Kaneki stayed absolutely still, breathing in Hide’s scent and allowing his rigid body to melt into the other boy’s touch. Kaneki wasn’t sure how long they stayed that way, yet slowly but surely the doubt and self-loathing began to fade back into the background of the moment. He was sitting here, now, with Hide. That was what was important. Hide was happy.

Kaneki felt a sudden pull as Hide grabbed his shoulders and leaned backwards. The blonde boy pulled Kaneki over on top of him, that same ridiculous grin plastered onto his face. It was contagious, and Kaneki couldn’t help but smile back. He kissed Hide again then settled his head onto his chest. He could feel Hide kiss the top of his head then rest his chin there. Kaneki shut his eyes and listened to the steady sound of Hide’s heartbeat. He didn’t want this to end, could every night be like this?

“I’m going to say something now and you have to promise not to laugh or anything, alright?” Hide had begun to gingerly run his fingers through Kaneki’s hair.

“Why would I laugh?” He could feel the other boy fidget. He felt Hide twirl his hair in between his fingers for a moment before suddenly growing still.

“I love you, Kaneki.”

The words stabbed into Kaneki’s heart like a knife. It was what he had wanted to hear for so many years, but now that it had been said the feelings that twisted in his chest were bittersweet. He felt his heart pound with the most intense joy, but at the same time Kaneki knew that there was no going back now. He had been so worried about getting tangled up with Hide, of losing sight of his goals, that Kaneki hadn't given enough thought to Hide getting tied up with him. How would Hide feel if Kaneki lost? If he lost his life, lost his sanity. What if Hide got caught up in Kaneki's fucked up life? He felt the guilt begin to build up in his chest, slowly crushing his lungs under the weight. Now he had pulled Hide into the mess he’d made. He blinked back the tears that burned in his eyes. But there was no going back.

“Kaneki?” Hide whispered. 

“I love you too, Hide,” he whispered back. He’d barely managed to keep his voice level. He would protect him, he had to. Even if he hadn't separated himself from Hide, he could still keep him safe somehow, right?He tightened his grip around Hide’s torso and a single familiar thought slipped through the snarl of Kaneki's thoughts.

Too far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this one out! So Hide and Kaneki are starting to move further little by little with their growing relationship. Poor Kaneki's so hesitant and Hide just wants to help.This might...miiiiight turn nsfw next chapter? Still planning the whole thing out so we'll see what direction it goes in. Thank you all for continuing to read!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki and Hide take their relationship a step further.
> 
> ((And here's where the rating changes, folks--here there be smut, fluffy lovey smut))

Kaneki had said to expect him that night and Hide was rushing to finish his homework in anticipation of the visit. He smiled to himself, thinking over how the night would go. They would drink coffee from Hide’s tiny coffee maker and they would curl up together to talk and to kiss and to – Hide’s thoughts trailed off as he stared blankly at his textbook. Was it too soon for that type of thing? He wasn’t quite sure how to bring it up to Kaneki. How would he react to Hide wanting to go further? The now familiar knock at his door pulled him up from his desk, but his mind struggled to part from its current train of thought. Hide shut his textbook without coming to any real conclusion: he would just have to see how the night played out.

The same nervous thought remained settled in the back of Hide’s mind as he and Kaneki made their coffee, as they went up to his room and sat on his bed. 

“Hide?”

“Hm?” He’d gotten tangled up in his thoughts again. He only now became aware that he was staring too intensely into his coffee mug.

“Long day?” Kaneki asked, “You seem distracted tonight. I should probably stop keeping you up so late.” He smiled, embarrassed. 

Hide laughed nervously, setting his coffee down as he did so.

“No, just thinking—

He twined his fingers together with Kaneki’s. Without finishing his sentence he set his lips against Kaneki’s cheek. Cautiously he trailed feather-light kisses down to his lips and felt Kaneki smile against his lips before he kissed back. Soon they had fallen back into their usual rhythm. Their shirts found their way to the foot of the bed in a crumpled heap. Past the initial awkwardness of their last visit, the boys’ hands began to wander over one another’s bodies. Hide thought to himself that maybe now wouldn’t be a bad time to give just a little bit of a nudge. He grazed his teeth against Kaneki’s bottom lip, gently so as not to replay the last time he’d surprised the other boy. Kaneki sighed and pulled him closer, his hands resting firmly on Hide’s hips. It was a good sign, a sign that he could try moving to the next step.

Hide tentatively slid his tongue across Kaneki’s bottom lip. He could feel the muscles in the other boy’s back tense up for just a moment before relaxing again with a shudder. Kaneki responded in kind, and soon their mouths were crashing together, tongues exploring clumsily at first but soon with a greater confidence. Hide’s nervousness was quickly draining away; he leaned back from Kaneki slowly but surely until his back was pressed against the mattress and Kaneki was pressed over him. The white-haired boy kissed down Hide’s jaw down to his neck and Hide gasped under him as his lips brushed his collarbone. Hide’s pants had begun to grow tight; he could feel Kaneki breathing heavily into his neck as he began to kiss a trail back toward his lips. Excitement and nervousness roiled pleasantly throughout his body. He’d set this in motion, now how far would they go tonight?

~

How far was he going to go? How far did Hide want him to go? Kaneki could feel himself begin to swell until his pants were uncomfortably tight. His kisses along Hide’s neck became nips here and there in his excitement. Hide wasn’t stopping him. Should he stop? Should he ask? But Kaneki’s doubts were quickly quieted by Hide’s hand snaking out toward the button of his pants. Kaneki raised his head and looked at the other boy, whose expression was questioning.

“Is this ok?” Hide asked. Kaneki ran his thumb softly over Hide’s cheek and nodded before sinking back into a deep kiss. Kaneki felt Hide fumble with the button of his pants and after a moment Hide’s kisses became less focused as he put more and more attention toward undoing them. Kaneki couldn’t help but chuckle, and reached down to undo the button and zipper.

“I would’ve gotten it,” Hide mumbled. His face was beginning to flush pink. “It’s harder when they’re someone else’s.”

“I know,” Kaneki replied gently with a laugh before catching Hide’s mouth again. He felt Hide’s fingers wander until finding his erection through the fabric of his boxers. Kaneki felt a shudder run through him and kissed Hide more fiercely. He felt his underwear pulled down and suddenly Hide’s hand was touching bare skin. He gasped at the sensation and nipped at the velvet skin of Hide’s shoulder to stifle the moan that was building in his throat. That one was going to bruise, he worried as his own hands began to trail down Hide’s torso, tracing the lean muscles of his stomach until he found the other boy’s button. 

He felt Hide suck in a breath as Kaneki pulled at his clothes. It really was harder when it was someone else’s pants, especially now that Hide’s hands had begun to move with greater certainty up and down Kaneki’s shaft. Kaneki pulled his attention back to his task with some difficulty and quickly pulled open the button. The white-haired boy paused there, caught up again in the feel of Hide’s touch. He clenched his teeth as Hide’s hand picked up speed and then his mouth was back on Hide’s. He gasped into the boy’s mouth. Warmth was spreading down from his stomach and he could feel the pressure start to build. Hide increased the pressure of his hand on Kaneki’s cock, pumping in smooth, swift motions until – 

“Hide,” Kaneki breathed the name into the boy’s mouth a second before his body tensed in climax. Cum shot between Hide’s fingers and covered his hand in long white ropes. Kaneki’s cock twitched and he moaned loudly into the other boy’s collarbone as Hide stroked through. Breathing hard, Kaneki rested his head against Hide’s shoulder as the blonde boy discreetly wiped his hand on the sheets next to them. He kissed the boy’s neck once, twice, before he raised his mouth to Hide’s ear.

“Your turn.”

Before Hide could react Kaneki had begun kissing his way slowly down his body. His tongue darted out over one of Hide’s nipples, eliciting a sharp intake of breath from the blond. Kaneki took another moment to trace his tongue around the nipple excruciatingly slowly before trailing his tongue lightly down Hide’s stomach. His mouth quickly found Hide’s waistband, and when he’d reached that far Kaneki raised his head to meet Hide’s eyes.

“Are you alright with this?” He asked quietly. He could see that Hide’s cheeks were flushed and his breathing was growing ragged. Kanaki had never seen him like this before. The look of absolute trust in Hide’s eyes as he nodded his consent made his heart pound faster. Kaneki kissed his stomach one more time then gently eased down Hide’s pants and boxers. Kaneki held Hide’s gaze as he trailed the tip of his tongue from the base slowly all the way up to the head.

He felt Hide’s cock shift as the boy’s breath hitched. Kaneki circled the tip of his tongue over the head, round and round, drawing out Hide’s reaction, trying to gauge what would feel best. Kaneki felt Hide’s hand reach down and tangle up in his hair. That was a good sign. He made one more excruciatingly slow circle before taking Hide’s tip gently into his mouth. He pressed his lips down over the soft skin and began to bob slowly. Hide moaned and his grip tightened in Kaneki’s hair. Kaneki looked up at Hide’s flushed face. His eyes were closed, his teeth clamped down onto his lower lip. The sound of Hide’s voice and the look on his face made Kaneki want to bob faster, but he lingered at the head and paced himself. He didn’t want to take this too quickly. He kept his steady pace until Hide was gasping, Kaneki could feel his body tensing as he tried not to buck into his mouth.

“Kaneki.” His name slid out of Hide’s mouth amid the quiet moans that he had begun to make.

Suddenly Kaneki was taking more and more of Hide’s length into his mouth with each downward movement. He felt Hide’s hips buck ever so slightly into each of his movements, his restraint fading quickly with the increase in pace. Hide’s cock tensed in his mouth and Kaneki heard Hide’s moan as the taste of salt filled his mouth. He swallowed before carefully pulling away, wiping the excess from his mouth with the back of his hand before leaning down and kissing Hide’s forehead. Kaneki rolled over to lay beside Hide and the two pressed their foreheads together, arms and legs tangled, and they gazed into one another’s eyes and tried to calm their thudding heartbeats.

He knew that he didn’t deserve any of this but oh, how he had needed this. He hadn’t realized that he had been gasping for air all this time until here, finally, he was taking a deep breath that smelled like sweat and coffee grounds and home. 

“I’ve never done anything like that before,” Hide murmured. 

“Neither have I. Just this, now, with you.” He’d never even come close to it, and he was glad now, lying here in each other’s arms. Doing this with anyone else wouldn’t have felt the same, wouldn’t have felt right like this had. It was as if everything were settling into place, except that none of this was supposed to happen. He’d gotten himself hopelessly entangled with Hide and now, after all this – he wasn’t sure what his life was becoming now, just that it was changing in ways he had never imagined possible.

Hide’s breathing was finally becoming more regular. He closed his eyes and seemed almost as if he were going to drift off. Kaneki couldn’t stop looking at him, memorizing every detail of this moment until he could see it behind his own drooping eyelids.

“Kaneki?”

“Hm.”

“Will you stay here tonight?”

Kaneki was quiet for a moment. The same old argument was stirring up in his head but he was quick to silence it.

“I’ll stay,” he whispered back drowsily. He felt Hide curl up closer to his chest and Kaneki kissed him once more on the forehead before falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all again for being so patient waiting for this new chapter. I've never written anything like this before but I hope it turned out alright! Thanks for all of your support, kudos, and comments!^_^


	8. Chapter 8

“You seem quite tired today, Kaneki. Shall we call it a day?” the tall ghoul purred as he took several graceful steps back.

“No, let’s go again,” Kaneki answered firmly. Truthfully his sleep-deprived mind and body were making today’s sparring match with Tsukiyama difficult. His reaction time wasn’t so quick as it normally was, and his addled brain couldn’t read the other ghoul’s attacks so well as it normally did. No matter his determination he couldn’t disguise this fact from the other. 

Tsukiyama shook his head and clucked his tongue reproachfully, his face wearing an expression of deep concern. Whether or not this concern was any more than skin deep Kaneki couldn’t guarantee, Tsukiyama was notoriously difficult to read. He suspected Tsukiyama rather liked it that way; it kept his predatory nature better concealed. 

“Mon pauvre Kaneki, you must take better care of yourself. You mustn’t be fighting on so little sleep.”

“I won’t always be well rested for a fight. It’s an inevitability I’ll have to learn to work around,” Kaneki replied calmly. It was never wise to show weakness in the ghoul world. The weak were literally devoured—a truth that he was becoming more and more familiar with—and Kaneki had too many people to be strong for. He had to be like two sides of a coin, there was the side who cut Hinami’s hair, who curled up in bed with Hide in his arms, and then there was this: the side that could rend, devour, and overcome. It was a delicate balance that Kaneki couldn’t allow to be skewed by his actions the previous night.

“Again,” he said, and set his feet back into a defensive stance. Tsukiyama sighed and ran a hand dramatically over his face—a fairly common habit of his, Kaneki had learned.

“Ah, amore. It does make one do the strangest things, non?”

Kaneki kept his face carefully blank in response to the Cheshire smile that curled across his sparring partner’s face.

“Mon pauvre cher, don’t spread yourself too thin.” His words were gentle but even after the smile had slipped away Kaneki could see the curious amusement dancing in his eyes. Tsukiyama was enjoying this puzzle, trying to twist the conversation like a rubik’s cube.

“You walk a tightrope, Kaneki, you mustn’t allow the heart to put you off your balance.” The Gourmet placed his hand over his heart and contorted his face into something resembling heartache for emphasis. He was testing the waters. What would make Kaneki react? How? Kaneki could feel the self-satisfaction radiating from Tsukiyama’s exaggerated gestures; despite his discipline something in Kaneki’s demeanor had told the ghoul he was edging close to a nerve.

Tsukiyama was far too clever. The eyepatched ghoul’s response was terse.

“Again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one this time, I'm trying to get back into posting regularly on Sundays/Mondays. But hey, more Tsukiyama! You fascinating creature, oh how fun you are to write, even in just these short snippets. You can probably tell that I'm a lot more comfortable with French than I am Italian...Anyway thank you for continuing to read and I hope you all enjoy!


	9. Chapter 9

Hide shuffled through several manila envelopes before plucking out the correct one and setting it onto an investigator’s desk. He’d gotten a call back from the CCG and started immediately as one of their mail boys. He smiled at the suit-clad investigators. He greeted them; most nodded or smile in his direction. It was a good job, everyone was polite and professional.

What would Kaneki think of it? The thought threatened to damage the cheerful, professional smile Hide wore. He hadn’t brought it up to him yet, and the more he thought about it the more he thought maybe he shouldn’t. He felt guilty even thinking it but then, Kaneki talked so little about the ghoul side of his life, how else could he know what was happening? He couldn’t just sit idly by, but he’d begun to wonder: what would Kaneki think of him taking a more active role in that life? Did he still think that Hide could be scared away by what he was? Would it make him worry?

Originally he’d applied in the hope that he could gather useful information. He thought it might take some of the weight off of Kaneki’s mind if he were able to give forewarning on raids, investigator movements, or any news about other ghouls that he could use. He hadn’t told Kaneki when he applied because he hadn’t wanted to get his hopes up. He needed to know just how useful this job was before he started making promises. 

Hide continued to set envelopes and pages onto various desks. Quiet conversations and the sound of ringing phones filled the air: the white noise of a busy office.

Maybe he shouldn’t say anything. He didn’t want Kaneki to become more stressed than he was already. If he just knew what was in Kaneki’s head even half of the time…

It had become so hard to tell what was going on with Kaneki anymore. Much to Hide’s dismay his job at the CCG was quickly becoming his only way to keep up with the events concerning the lives of Tokyo’s ghouls, and therefore what Kaneki was dealing with outside of their visits. 

Sure, Kaneki still came by. They would still have coffee, talk, sometimes make love. Hide didn’t doubt for a second that Kaneki wanted to be there with him, but something in the white-haired boy was starting to change. He seemed more tired now, more aloof. There were questions he avoided answering and topics he would quickly shift away from when brought up. There were times when it seemed like his mind would stray somewhere far outside of the small apartment.

It was starting to feel as if Kaneki’s hand was slipping out of his own. Kaneki would still visit but Hide couldn’t ignore the fact that those visits were starting to come fewer and farther between, and though Kaneki’s staying the night had become a welcome habit, the nightmares that came with it were something Hide hadn’t at all been prepared for. Just the thought of them, even here, in midday, sun shining through the main office’s windows, made the hair on Hide’s skin prickle.

It had started with Kaneki twisting in the sheets: just a couple of twitches that Hide’s sleepy mind had barely registered at first. Then in mere seconds Kaneki was arching his back, arms and legs tensing. Hide was jarred awake as Kaneki’s movements pulled his muscles violently taught within his skin. Hide had stared in horror as he’d gasped like he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs, like he was drowning, seizing. Hide had grabbed his hand, called his name. Frightened, he’d even slapped the white-haired boy across the face but still he twisted, unconscious, against the mattress. It felt like hours passed until with no warning Kaneki had frozen, muscles locked and hands dug into the blanket like claws. There was silence as his half open eyes stared listlessly at the ceiling. His had mouth opened. He had begun to laugh.  


He wasn’t awake, not yet, only caught somewhere in the foggy place between waking and dreaming. The laugh that poured out of his mouth was the most awful thing Hide had heard in his young life. It was desperate, hysterical, laughter, the kind that happened at funerals or disasters, when the mind can’t remember how it should respond and by some twisted irony throws out laughter. Hide had never been afraid of Kaneki and he would never be, but in that moment he could feel the gooseflesh creep over his bare skin and his hands had hesitated, if only for a second, to touch him. But he had forced his body to act, pulled the thrashing Kaneki onto his lap and clutched him tight to his chest. He had run his thumb over Kaneki’s cheek, tried not to see how contorted it was as his manic laughter continued.

“Kaneki. Hey, Kaneki. Come on, please. Please. Wake up. I’m here, wake up.” He had shushed and murmured whatever soothing words he could think of until Kaneki’s laughter turned into sobs, and the other boy clung to Hide with an almost bone-crushing strength, awake at last. He had held him for a long time. Kaneki sobbed until he had exhausted himself and his arms hung loosely around Hide’s neck. Kaneki was the one to speak first.

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have—“ He stuttered, looking for the right thing to say.

“Come on, you can’t help dreams, don’t apologize.” Hide had kissed the side of Kaneki’s head. The hair there was sticky with sweat when his lips touched it. They sat in silence, Hide rubbing circles over Kaneki’s back until the other boy’s breathing finally returned to normal.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he’d asked. He had felt Kaneki’s fingers grip tighter into his shirt.

“I can’t,” he’d gasped.

Hide pushed the mail cart further down the hallway, his gaze far away. Kaneki’s voice when he’d said that had gripped Hide’s heart in an iron fist. Even now he could swear every beat made it feel as if his heart were still bruised. 

He hadn’t said “I’m fine,” not “Forget it, let’s go back to sleep.” He hadn’t tried to brush this off like he always did, this was something he couldn’t just push aside. Kaneki had always tried to cover up his pain before and this newfound honesty had shocked Hide. Kaneki had experienced, could still be experiencing, something terrible enough that he couldn’t deny its existence, but couldn’t bring himself to tell Hide about it. 

Hide’s hand slipped when he went to pick up a folder and spilled several papers out onto the office floor. He quickly gathered them back up, hearing mumbles along the lines of of “Careful there, rookie” from the investigators. He apologized and let a sheepish smile spread over his face, one that only he could tell was a mask over his true thoughts.

When did you stop being able to talk to me? he thought as he gathered together the loose pieces of paper and continued on his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone! I'm sorry that after the long wait I've turned out such a sad chapter. The story's kind of evolving as I write it, this all started as some bitter-sweet fluff that kinda sorta fit itself into the storyline but as I write it it's fitting(albeit with my own alterations, of course) more and more within the manga plot. So all of this is building up very slowly alongside Kaneki's slow transformation into Centipede. My poor babies...
> 
> Again thank you all for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

He had become far too volatile.

Kaneki could feel it in the way his muscles moved and in the way his mind was starting to feel more and more foreign. Was the world around him changing? Or was it him that was starting to become warped? His left ear itched, felt like, felt like—

Nothing. It felt like nothing. Don’t think it don’t say it. The sound of skittering legs tickled through his memory.

Who was he kidding? He had known that he would change. Everything had a cost, though he admitted that this one was dearer than he’d anticipated. Be the one who gets hurt: it’s how he’d lived his whole life, how he would continue living it. Besides, this was a done deal, there was no going back; instead of filling him with fear it was a strangely comforting thought. There were no decisions left to be made, he had chosen his path. 

But Hide…

Kaneki winced. No, there were still decisions that needed to be addressed. Hide had taken him in with open arms, told him that he wasn’t a monster. But oh, he didn’t know just what kind of monsters there were in the world. He’d let one of the worst ones in without even knowing it. Kaneki had just walked right in, thinking that just because Hide loved him that things could be different than they were. Hide, however important he was, could only change so much in his life. Kaneki passed the university. His stride felt stiff and his movements forced. He had started all of this to keep everyone safe, and he was still trying to keep them from harm.

How safe can Hide be with you? You barely know who you are anymore.

Kaneki gritted his teeth. The voice that he had been keeping at bay since he’d first come to Hide those weeks ago had finally uncurled itself from the back of his mind. He would never cause Hide harm. He had known that for certain then; Kaneki wanted to think it was still true. He would never harm him on purpose. But that was then. He had been a mess then but at least he was only a simple half-ghoul one. How could he know what he would or wouldn’t do now that he was something that even other ghouls saw as taboo? Hide trusted him without a thought, but the real question now was did Kaneki trust himself with Hide? If he lost control, if he had another dream like the last time…

Kaneki shuddered at the thought. Dreams of windowless rooms, of bolt cutters and legs, so many legs crawling: Kaneki scratched his left ear reflexively. Hide shouldn’t have had to see that. Scaring him half to death in his own home wasn’t protecting him. What if he had dreamed of something else that night? He could have lashed out so easily. He could have torn through Hide like tissue paper.  


His feet brought him to a slow stop. He was in an alleyway, the alley he’d hesitate for so long in on that first visit. It seemed so long ago now. He’d been so hopeful then, weak and hopeful. Kaneki stood now, just outside of the light of the street lamp. He stared at Hide’s building, took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. He had made the wrong decision that night. This time would be different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, I think this story is going to be coming to a close here soon. Sorry this on is a little on the short side again but the next chapter will be longer to wrap everything up. As always thank you for reading, for all of your kudos and comments, and a great big thank you to those who've stuck with me so far! Look forward to a final chapter here in the next week or two.


	11. Chapter 11

Kaneki took a quick moment to collect his thoughts before he knocked on Hide’s door. He took long slow breaths; bringing his thoughts under control was like herding cats anymore. Finally he knocked and was quickly greeted by Hide’s smiling face. 

“You’re here pretty early this time, not busy with too much secret ghoul stuff today?”

“Sorry, it’s not too early to drop by, is it?” Kaneki replied with a sheepish smile. Hide responded with a kiss on the lips that lingered sweetly.

“I guess that’s a no?”

“Yeah, that’s a no,” Hide laughed, “Come on, you know you can drop by whenever.”

Kaneki kissed Hide’s cheek as a reply.

“It’s my turn to make the coffee then, isn’t it?” Kaneki made a move for the kitchen but Hide still held him by the hips, gently keeping him in place.

“Yeah, about that. I’ve got a bit of bad news,” Hide interrupted. An embarrassed grin was spread across his face.

“I ran out of coffee and just totally forgot to drop by the store today.”

Kaneki raised an eyebrow in confusion. Out of coffee? But he could smell dry coffee grounds in Hide’s kitchen. Maybe it was just enough for his morning cup the next day? He couldn’t grudge him keeping that to himself. He shrugged the words off with a subdued smile.

“Because that’s the real reason I come here,” he joked.

“I’m even all out of that crummy instant stuff,” Hide added.

Kaneki wasn’t sure what to say to that. Was there something he wasn’t understanding? Kaneki’s eyes studied the other boy’s face, looking for some sort of hint. Of course he had instant coffee, Kaneki could smell the familiar scent of Hide’s favorite brand. Hide was lying to him, why? 

Was he trying to get him to leave? Was this when Kaneki was supposed to politely apologize for disturbing him and make an exit? The intrusive thought shot to the forefront of Kaneki’s mind. Maybe he had begun to scare him after all; maybe that nightmare had been the final straw. It wasn’t supposed to go like this.

Please don’t remember me like that, please don’t let that be all you remember of me—

his mind was starting run in panicked circles when a single ugly thought interjected:

It would be better if Hide kicked him out now. It’s what he should have done ages ago. Hide was smart enough to recognize a sinking ship after all.

What hurt worst was that the voice was righ; it would be safer for Hide, and easier for himself if he was kicked out now. But that didn’t make sense, if that was the case then why was Hide still holding him around the waist? Why was he still smiling?

“So, seeing as I’m a complete knucklehead, I vote we change things up this evening.”

Kaneki’s confusion grew deeper.

“What do you mean?” he hazarded.

“I’m taking you out for coffee tonight.” Hide’s eyes were bright with excitement and his grin betrayed how proud he was of his own clever plan. “It’s about time I took you out on a proper date.”

Oh.

Kaneki could feel warmth curling through his chest as Hide continued to speak.

“I know you’re supposed to be lying low, but it’s a small shop and it’s only a few blocks away. It’s open late, the coffee’s good. It’s a quiet little shop. I think you’ll like it.”

Then Hide pulled out his winning smile, and there was no further confusion on Kaneki’s part, nor any question of whether or not they were going to go. Kaneki reached out and threaded his fingers through Hide’s, his own subtle smile reflecting Hide’s exuberant one  
.  
“Yeah, that sounds nice,” Kaneki answered. They could indulge in this last adventure, couldn’t they? Hide was practically vibrating with excitement, how could he possibly say no? Hide threw on his jacket and they were off, just the two of them walking hand in hand in the crisp air.

“You could have just asked, you know. You’re a terrible liar.”

Hide squeezed Kaneki’s hand playfully in response.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

The coffee shop was invitingly small and warmly lit. A bell on the door tolled cheerfully as the two boys entered, and the air they breathed was heavy with the smell of freshly ground coffee. Kaneki stood at the entrance for a moment as his heightened senses took in the scene. For a second time that night Kaneki had to reign his thoughts back in from where they were beginning to wander. This wasn’t Anteiku, even though he so desperately wanted it to be. He wouldn’t be able to look toward the counter and see Touka or the manager. He wondered if he would ever see them again before deciding that it probably wasn’t a wise idea. If he couldn’t keep it together for Hide, what hope was there that he could hold himself together for them? He had to remember his goal, there was no going back.

Kaneki suddenly felt the gentle pressure of Hide squeezing his hand again. Golden brown eyes wondered if this hadn’t been a good idea after all, if Kaneki was alright. Should we go back home? His expression asked. With some effort Kaneki forced a smile back onto his face. He would be alright for tonight, he had to be. He pulled Hide toward a table near the shop’s large front window and were quickly greeted by one of its employees. Hide ordered something that was more milk and sugar than coffee, Kaneki took his black. 

“So what do you think? Better than the stuff I make, right?” Hide joked after taking a sip of his sweet concoction.

“There’s nothing wrong with your coffee. This is a nice change of pace though.” It was exactly the sort of date he would have chosen, Hide knew him too well.

“ I figured a night out would do you some good, you look like you’ve been pretty stressed out lately.”

Kaneki’s gaze wandered to the cup of coffee in front of him. Stressed out was an understatement, but Kaneki couldn’t admit that. He kept his face carefully neutral and took another sip of his coffee. Hide would only have to tolerate his madness for a little longer. Choosing his words carefully, Kaneki scratched his head self-consciously.

“I’m sorry, I know I’ve been worrying you. I’m getting things sorted out, it’s just,” his hand found its way up to his chin as he spoke and something in Hide’s face seemed to change, “it’s just taking some time. I’m figuring things out.” Hide didn’t look convinced, if anything his expression was far more subdued than was normal. The blond boy reached across the table and carefully took Kaneki’s free hand.

“You know I’m here for you, right? I know something’s got you riled up. You can’t just keep bottling things up like you’ve always done. It’s not good for you.”

Hide’s words hung in the air, mingling with the sound of brewing coffee and the clinking of mugs and dishes. After a long moment Kaneki lifted Hide’s hand to his lips. He kissed the back of his hand before pulling his smile back into place. Would Hide notice that it was getting harder and harder to keep it there? He had always been far too perceptive, he could always read Kaneki too well, even now. Kaneki guiltily wished that he could lie well enough just this once to put Hide at ease. He had finally come to a decision, the right decision, the best decision for Hide, and Kaneki so wanted this night, this last night, to go well.

Because this was the end.

He needed Hide to know that he loved him dearly, because soon, he knew, he would be too far gone to express it anymore. He was changing day by day, and Hide deserved happy memories of him, not the downward spiral that Kaneki could feel even now tugging at his body like an undertow. So instead of telling Hide what he’d done, what he was becoming, or how afraid he was, Kaneki smiled. He promised that he was sorting things out. Technically it wasn’t a lie. He was almost strong enough now, he would keep them safe, keep Hide safe, the only issue now was keeping Hide safe from himself. Thankfully Hide didn’t pursue the matter further, but the concerned look didn’t leave his eyes. 

It took several minutes but the two slowly settled back into normal conversation as they drank their coffee. Kaneki even managed to laugh, how could he not when Hide radiated such liveliness? It was like feeling the sunshine on his face, there was no way to keep it from improving his mood. One cup quickly turned into three, and too soon their multiple empty coffee cups were removed as the shop started preparing to close. Hide insisted on paying the tab, it was his date idea after all, then the two boys were walking down the street toward the apartment, hand in hand under the glow of Tokyo’s shining lights.

This time they took the longer way home, down several streets filled with the glaring neon of business signs and advertisements. It wasn’t too late yet for the air to still smell of hot food and to sound like traffic and bustling footsteps. When was the last time Kaneki had done more than just wander aimlessly when out for a walk? Now he was walking alongside Hide, pointing out this or that, joking, making faces, their hands hung joined together between them. It it weren’t for the lingering darkness lurking in the corners of his mind he could have almost forgotten what he was.

While they waited for the light at a crosswalk Kaneki glanced over at Hide, who was looking serenely up at the blinking lights of the buildings across from them. Kaneki found that he couldn’t tear his eyes away. He smiled fondly at the boy he’d known since childhood. Who could have guessed that their lives would end up the way they had? It had been good while it lasted, that was all that mattered. 

Kaneki suddenly leaned in and kissed Hide, bringing the other boy’s thoughts back from where they had been wandering. It was a short kiss but still they stood, foreheads pressed together, lips nearly touching until they realized that a wave of their fellow pedestrians had begun to cross the intersection. They broke apart laughing and managed to cross quickly before the light changed again.

The two of them positively glowed as they continued on their way—Hide bright and vibrant like the sun on a summer afternoon while Kaneki was more subtle, like moonlight just peering from behind a veil of cloud. The two of them talked and laughed, beaming the entire way to Hide’s apartment, up onto the front stoop, through the door and into the hallway, drunk off of their joy in one another.

“Not bad for a first date, huh?” Hide questioned once they’d made it inside. Kaneki could hear in his tone and see in the way that he held himself that Hide was thrilled that Kaneki had enjoyed his night, and was also more than a little proud of himself for coming up with such a great idea. Kaneki couldn’t help but laugh, a true, honest laugh of joy.

“Not bad at all,” he answered, his steel grey eyes lingering on Hide’s grinning face before shutting as Hide suddenly and excitedly leaned in to kiss him. Rather than relaxing into gentle kisses as they had earlier in the night, now their interaction was rougher, more thrilling, the kind that set off firecrackers in Kaneki’s chest and caused Hide’s hands to hold tighter onto his hips.

They fumbled down the hallway, shuffled absently into the bedroom. Shirts were pulled off gently but quickly, desperate lips pressed onto bare skin. Kaneki grazed his teeth against the curve of Hide’s jaw. Hide sighed loudly and caught Kaneki’s lips with his own urgent kisses. The two of them fell into bed together, any residual hesitation melting away. Pants were hastily kicked off and sheets tangled under their connected bodies.

~

Panting, the two finally parted from one another, lying side by side with their legs intertwined and their arms wrapped about each other. 

“I love you, Hide,” Kaneki whispered and kissed Hide softly. He ran his pale fingers through Hide’s tousled hair then brought his thumb back down to make slow strokes over the other boy’s cheek. He could feel Hide’s smile change the shape of his face beneath his hand.

“I love you too,” he breathed, then chuckled quietly.

“You know, I did officially take you on a date tonight. So that means we’re officially dating, which means you’re stuck with me now.”

Kaneki grinned back, not betraying the slow ache that was beginning to grow in his chest.

“Mmhmm,” he agreed as Hide leaned in to kiss his forehead. 

Gradually their breathing slowed and their gentle murmurs to one another quieted. Hide was first to doze off, but unlike the other nights he had stayed over, Kaneki remained awake. His eyes traced slowly over every line and detail of Hide’s face. Kaneki caressed his face lightly enough that he wouldn’t wake him, and when the tears came they rolled down his face silently.

“I love you,” he whispered again, barely loud enough even for his own ears. “I’ll always love you. Just…please remember. Please remember me how I am now. You don’t need to see what I’m becoming.”

He fell back into silence then, memorizing Hide’s features, the feel of his skin under his fingertips, the smell of his soap and the scent of coffee beans that still clung to him from the shop. And then it was time for him leave, far, far past time.

Kaneki dressed himself quietly in the darkness. He leaned over the bed and kissed Hide once more, one last time. He walked past the bed where they’d made love, down the hallway they’d walked down night after night. He passed by the tiny kitchen where Hide had made him coffee that first night, where they’d first kissed. It had been a wonderful dream, but in the end that was all it could be. He paused one last time to say his goodbyes to the memories the tiny apartment held. Finally Kaneki opened Hide’s front door for the last time and slipped from the warm apartment back into the cold early-morning air that he had come in from those weeks ago.

~

He was gone.

Hide knew this for certain when he opened his eyes in the middle of the night and felt only still-warm sheets where Kaneki had been moments before. He had removed himself again, more worried for Hide’s well-being than for his own. Hide stared at the empty place in the bed as he felt several different emotions bubble up inside of him. The anger passed quickly, he never could stay angry with Kaneki, and he certainly couldn’t now. The hurt lasted longer. It simmered steadily in his chest, burning his heart and lungs. He let the tears fall, but after a time those and the ache that caused them faded to a dull ache. Hide took a deep breath, held it, exhaled. Kaneki had made the choice that he thought was best, but there was no way that Hide was going to be left behind that easily.  
That morning, Hide walked into the CCG office with newfound purpose.

“I’ll bring you back home, Kaneki. I promise you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all of you wonderful people for continuing to read to the end! I'm sorry it took so long but here it is: the last chapter. It was really hard for me to write this because I didn't want it to come to an end, but at the same time I felt like it was the right point to bring it all to a close. Thank you all for your comments and kudos and I hope you all enjoy reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is my first shot at a multiple chapter fic, I hope you all enjoy! Their relationship will progress as the chapters go, and ratings are subject to change as the circumstances do. Will add chapter 2 soon!


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